As I just typed out that title, I just realized how incredibly emo that sounded, but, I think that's okay, I think that a blog is a good place to get all of my crap out.
I think God has been breaking me lately. Just when I thought I was confident in life, where I want be, how I wanted it to be and the sucky realization that I have to come know is that it's not about me. It's never about me. But, as a sinner and a corrupt person, I always try and make it out to be all about me. Another way that God has chosen to break me is within the realm of my family. Oh my family. It seems that since my Dad died (4-8-05), my family is just a group of people that just so happen to be related to each other. I honestly believe that nobody in my family really cares for each other. We're all living our own separate lives and have built ourselves walls against each other. I am the youngest guy in my family, 1 of 5 guys, and I will always be the baby of the guys always. I know that will never change, but I wish it could. The brother in which I am closest to I feel is using me. I feel that he doesn't really care about me, but that he just wants to use me to borrow money and other possessional items. He is prone to stab me in the back, i just know it. I feel so let down by my Mom. Even with the grave loss of my Dad, I just feel that so screwed over. Yes, My Dad is dead (you'll find that this is a common theme that is argued whenever I'm in robust conversation with my mom) but is there a more suttle way of telling her to move on? That may sound harsh, unloving, and just plain assholish, but if she feels that if my Dad was alive, that would make her world a hell of a lot easier, then I would have to disagree. She has been taking care of him for as long as I can remember. I think that my Mom just misses having someone to take care of, whenever she has kids that are all grown up. Well, as I try and grow up and I cast out my naivety, I see all the lies that she feeds me, I see the way she manipulates me, I see how retarded she really is. I see how my siblings truly are. I see that beyond their walls of emotional hardenness. I see a family of weak people who really don't know how to deal with anything but just curl up into a ball and remain into the fetal position. I don't trust my family, I don't trust them with my life. I'm sure that they would call me an asshole for writing this, but I am at a point of apathy. Time for me to grow up and see what my family truly has become. Time for me to move out, time for me to get out of a state of distress. I think that it is critical of me to freaking get rid of my baggage and just go. Is it possible to disown yourself from your family? Now, I guess my only thought is, am I doing the right thing. Is God trying to tell me something through all of these occurences at home?
I am on the quest to find a roommate. Maybe I will find one, maybe I won't, maybe God has a prime time for me to move out and thats why there is no provision of a roommate. We shall see.
God bless my family, when I am gone.
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