So I just had an interesting conversation, if you even want to call it a conversation, but basically, I need to vent and cry about it. No, it wasn't even that big of a deal, but mainly, I am pretty pissed off but sort of glad that the conversation took place. I guess, thanks for honesty.
These past two weeks have been awesome, stretching, and just straight up a living hell. Not only was I puking every morning from lack of sleep, I also had freaking creditors calling me every morning starting at 8AM. I felt like the weeks could've been planned so much better and lead so much better, but obviously, my team doesn't desire that type of leadership. Hell, we have issues following and listening to our defined "leader" of the team, our RD.
Week 1 - This week was basically the toughest I've ever had regarding me and leading mission trips. I didn't feel like a team player at all because, well, there wasn't really a team aspect. #1 did a great job at setting a very laid back atmosphere and attitude throughout the week where we really didn't really have that many problems. I was the one in the background making sure that everything was being done correctly and effectively. Which, I have no problem at all doing. We fumbled a lot whenever we would communicate something to the participants. Often looking at each other because no one knew what the hell was going on. I'd say that I kept my .... leadership style at bay throughout the week. I absolutely am not a fan of just letting things go free flowing. Okay, maybe I do need to have some room to let the Holy Spirit move around, but, we still need to plan stuff like.. who is going where or what the participants are going to be doing. #1 again, was doing a good job at keeping it chilled and laid back. We all got into that attitude and whenever it came to week 2, thats when the shit hits the fan. At the end of the week, I didn't feel like the week was a good one. Due to contrary belief, I don't think that it was that great of a week. The participants were intense and challenging. The team dynamics were really weird. #2 did a good job at keeping his opinions at bay too. Yeah, he did a lot of talking that week and yeah, he did really shine in his role. #3 was a little weird all week long. Not only did she appear to be unapproachable the whole entire week, she was really weird at the end of the week. Maybe this is just my own thinking and my own skepticism. It sucks so much that I look to her for a lot of validation. I think that I am through..
Week #2 - We have a sort of relaxing weekend. We try and recharge for the next week of sb trips. I try to communicate that this following week will be different. I lead so much differently than #1 does. There is no disrespect for what or how she leads. I think that I start to lose respect for people whenever they like to complain or bitch of how things are ran. I guess that I might've been in the same situation if #2 was chosen to be SD, but that is a bridge that hopefully, I will never have to cross. The first night of having this group in was a good night. I immediately felt connected with this group and it sucks that the rest of my team didn't feel that connection. Monday happens and thats when #3 throught it would be prudent to bring up a situation with me in a very innapropriate manner. She was explaining how flirty I am with the girls and I guess it caught me off guard. I would probably say that there was a hint of validation to that statement. Well, my first initial thoughts were WTF where do you come off like that? Why the heck do you feel like that was appropriate to bring up in front of other people? Do you have a problem with me showing my attention to other people besides you? I dunno, I guess that a lot of my frustration and tension with #3 and I's relationship shined through. I guess that I am fine with that. The rest of week was like walking on egg shells because I didn't know what was appropriate or what was not. Yes, I could've been more supportive to my team as a whole, but I was enjoying the week and enjoying the company of good people. Tuesday, #3 confronted me again about how I wasn't supporting my team. I think that is fine and fair of her to say and to bring up. I just think that if she has been an SD before, she should understand the pressures and stress that comes with it. I can't fully engage myself in everything. The week ends. It was a good week. I really enjoyed the trip leaders, even if they didn't really enjoy me. I kept on getting mixed signals from one of the trip leaders. But, she is gone and I think that I am cool with that.
I decided to be ballsy and ask #3 if we're cool or not and she said yes, we are. That is a sign of relief, but at the same time, I feel like she is holding something back. Indeed she was. She said that agrees with #2's critiquing on the roles of the team. I am willing to bet that they would not have those attitudes if they were put in the SD role.. I'm willing to put something to that. If she feels like that, why didn't she say anything. It's all freaking stupid. I think that I am done. I think that I am ready to get the heck out of here or maybe just away from #3. It is eating away at my heart. It is eating away at my thought life. This could've been God's plan for me. I've done and said some stupid things throughout the course of this year, but I think that I am finally coming around the idea that #3 and I will be parting ways after this year. If my friendship to her means a lot, I want to see if she will even try to keep in contact. I'm sick of being the girl in a relationship. Time to be a guy. Time to be masculine. Even if that means becoming an ass. I'm fine with that. I'm totally fine with that. I often think that since #2 and I are becoming legit, I'm not sure if that is worth the sacrifice of losing #3.
God, I pray for the relationships in my life. I pray that I can be more intentional and figure out what it means to be more like You. Even though through my venting, my words may seem like I am hypocritical, I just desire to be happy and out of this stress point in my life. Bring me refreshing and life-giving conversations and relationships. Give me a heart of humility and not of bitterness.
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